GATORS, LOBSTERS, AND PIGS

I miss Gatorade. The magical thirst quencher, developed in the 1960's by scientists and University of Florida Gators football coaches (hence the name "GATORade"), has long been touted as the ultimate rehydrator for weary atheletes and other energy-depleted persons. Lemon-Lime, the original green stuff, is my poison of choice. Gatorade is made of water, sugar, salt, carbohydrates, high fructose corn syrup, artificial colors, glucose, fructose, and a bunch of electrolytes like sodium, potassium, and chloride. This combination of fancy chemicals indeed does wonders in replenishing your body of lost energy and hydration. I got a B- in Mr. Bernard's 9th grade chemistry class at Granada Hills High School, so I pretty much have no idea what this chemical process is. But sometimes when I gulp it down I like to imagine all the different molecules, color-coded according to periodic table positioning, marching out of the plastic big-mouthed bottle like Ghostbusters with Proton Packs on, ready to vaporize all the deleterious crap that's bogging me down. They'll work their way out of the bowels of my stomach and through my veins like the halls of the Biltmore Hotel, and finally fight their way up to the roof to zap Slimer who is wringing the shit out of my brain. Let me rephrase my initial statement: I miss needing Gatorade.

Wait, let me rephrase that again. I miss what Gatorade can do for a hangover. But I don't miss the hangover. And wait another second, all this green is confusing me. That's not Slimer playing hopscotch on my cerebral cortex. It's a bottle (or two or three) of Chamisul Fresh Soju, that evil evil oh-so-seductive nectar of the gods.

In not-so-layman's terms, a hangover, or more formally, Veisalgia, basically goes like this: ethanol, the form of alcohol found in the potent potables most of us enjoy regularly, goes into the bloodstream and gets broken down by certain liver enzymes. It is then converted to acetaldehyde by an enzyme called alcohol dehydrogenase. Acetaldehyde is exponentially more toxic to the body than ethanol. Finally, an enzyme called acetaldehyde dehydrogenase converts the acetaldehyde to acetic acid, which is then flushed out of the body by way of nature's magic rubber-gloved hands. Ethanol severely dehydrates the body and depletes it of minerals and electrolytes. This is compounded once the acetaldehyde takes form, exacerbating and prolonging the symptoms of a typical Sunday morning hangover.

We all have Asian friends who turn into a Lobster-Face after half a pint of beer, and wonder what the fuck is wrong with them (in fact, some of us are them). We call them pussies while they adamantly exclaim that it is an allergic reaction that makes their entire head look like Rihanna's left eye. Well, being a pussy or having nerdy allergies do not fully explain the story. It is evolution that is to be blamed. Most Asians, during their evolutionary incubation period, somehow went through a genetic mutation process whereby their alcohol dehyrdogenase enzyme became overly effective at converting ethanol into acetaldehyde, and, conversely, their acetaldehyde dehydrogenase enzyme became less effective at breaking down acetaldehyde into acetic acid. This results in a large accumulation of the highly toxic acetaldehyde in the blood, causing the sufferer to experience immediate and dramatic hangover symptoms such as headaches, nausea, and a very very red face.

I don't miss hangovers.

I'll plainly admit that I'm not really going anywhere with this piece. It sounds like I'm drunk but I'm not. I just wanted to talk about alcohol and hangovers and my feeble attempt at quitting drinking altogether. Yes, in February I took a swing at quitting drinking. Why, you ask? I dunno really. Just thought it was about time to press the reset button on my liver, so to speak. But I have good news for pork, my first love truly so in the form of Sam-Gyub-Sal (SGS), or Korean BBQ: I am back!!! I would never have SGS without the Soj'. That's like jelly without toast. Especially in these hard times for sus domesticus, what with pork cooties killing Mexican babies in Texas oilfields, acetaldehyde in my bloodstream means dollars in your pocket.

Buenos Nachos!